Thursday, December 31, 2009
These days I'm wakin' up at 1300. So you get to wait:
1) "She doesn't think I'll be happy there." Manipulative sabotage much? Screw the bitch.
2) I lost my dad at nine. Defused awkward sympathy moments with sick jokes. Try it!
3) Gift horse + mouth = avert your fucking eyes. You don't have monopoly on caring!
4) No wonder you're single! Likely no man can stand your single-mom bitch whining. Slut.
Prudie theory holds "referential humor works best." Does it work for shitstorms?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Santa: When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight...on Christmas.
1) Tell her, "Only one who can do that is Santa. You still believe, baby-brain?"
2) Man-hating Prudie strikes again. What denomination, "Church of Seventh Commandment Heresy"? Not OK!
3) Send card back: "Our Christmas Wish is for Rogue Teabaggers in Malebolge."
4) Only thing better would be bomb-in-a-box. What a shrew.
Only 366 more days until Christmas 2010. Let the shopping season begin!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
(and besides, I love the Thursday column because I can dash it off in fifteen minutes since it's basically 60 words' worth of shooting from the hip. The Monday stuff, on the other hand, takes quite a bit of work, and time is money.)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney, better load your gun and shoot to kill:
1) Like Prudie said; Third World conditions are not First World parental aspirations! Eat shit, freaks.
2) Moral of the story: Blood thicker than water, but who wants shower of blood?
3) He thinks he's a Tiger; fact is, he's just a lowdown snake. Find better friends.
4) This will not end well, no matter how enlightened you are. Religion will torpedo parenting.
Enough with the Tiger Woods jokes already, Prudie. They're SO last week.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I like this column. It has a high strength-to-weight ratio:
Christmas Surprise: Might want to send 'em "save the date" reminder around, oh, January 1 or so.
Midnight Cinderella: Give your guy this one---he's one up on most dudes! Count your blessings.
Dead Dog Walking: What an insensitive shrew! You've got one Christmas left with Pooch. Make most of it.
News Boy: Seventy-five bucks, Prudie? Where were you when I was kid delivering paper?!
Wicked StepMother: I'm with Prudie. If I had kids, new wife better love them as her own.
Tipping: There goes that stereotype---a Jewish woman admonishing a cheapskate? Oy vey!
Holiday Knocked Up: I love your idea. Cute, loving, reminds him why he loves you. Congratulations!
re: Tipping: Big difference between "don't have the money" and "too fucking cheap to share a buck."
Sexual Harassment Santa: What, and deny pervy guys chance for cheap thrill? I say no harm, no foul.
Cinderella Revisited: You planning to stay with this guy? Send "don't tread on me" signal. SOON.
Post-Death Pet: Interesting third option. Really no right answer, though. Dying pets suck.
Molester Stepdad: Here's an idea for what to put in stepdad's gift box: C4, detonator, trigger switch.
Broke in Baltimore: Where's Pogue Mahone when you need him? Give gift of kinky, wild sex!
Put a Tiger In Your Tank: Three girls, one cup, eh? Give him divorce notice for Christmas.
Rotation of Hosting: Jane, you ignorant slut. Just stop it already.
Drunk in Cincy: Fuck, in my alkie family even the toddlers get beer. Worry yourself not.
Tipper of Menlo Park: Send kid a note: "No money for you, and I've told your supervisor." No respect...
Christmas Hideout: This is what white lies were made for: Tell in-laws you've got plans!
The Thought That Counts: Amen. Love gets more valuable the more freely it is given. (Economists just facepalmed!)
Oh Wolfie, oh wolfie, ain't we got fun?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Yes Virginia, now Santa's doin' time/In a federal prison for his infamous crime:
1) As long as there are children who believe, Santa Claus will always be real.
2) Nothing says "protection racket" quite like Christmas at the office, eh?
3) I'm like your husband; I get a lot of Best Buy gift cards. Satisfaction guaranteed!
4) Someone convince me that the Abrahamic god isn't evil. 'Cause I'm not buyin' it.
Who wants to form posse, hunt down LW1's baby daddy, dispense frontier justice?
Monday, December 7, 2009
My marriage looks like the Japanese bombed it. Divorce City. I'm angry. Beware, folks.
Vegan Alternative: Whoopee. A PeTA-sucker B12-deprived weenie. Family should boycott you.
Ravens Roadie: Bros before hos. My bro would be my first choice for Pats roadie too.
Gretzky Has The Ball: Silly woman, sports are for boys! Yoffe's a stereotype man-hater.
Divorce Mess: Or, if you're my wife, because a decent, strong, loving man ain't good enough.
Free-Gifting: If I drew "sew", it'd give new meaning to "held together by a thread".
Gimme a Break (Room): Unemployment is HOW high? Shut your face and get back to work.
Army Wife: Give the guy a break. He could get blown up tomorrow. Let him be generous!
Vegan Alternative: At my place, you want a vegan alternative, eat parsley sprig on the steak.
"The Other Woman": If he's that unhappy, he's still off-limits until he (or she) ditches. Keep clear.
Road to Hell: Sister's a bitch. You did good, now tell others "I only help DECENT people."
Vegan Whiner: What Prudie said. Now is not time for uptight moralizing (keep Christ in Christmas? Humbug!)
"Birthday Weekend": What, you've never used bday as excuse for enjoying multiple days? Poor sucker.
Dealing with Old Enemies: Brilliant! The "best man" sure lived up to his name! Bravo!
Blessed Be: Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm a pagan and I just think of MY gods.
HS Drama Queen: Here's the difference; they have lives. You're still seventeen at heart. Grow up.
No libido: I'll bring the Astroglide for your therapy. Let's play.
Adults...in America? Unpossible!: Like Prudie said. Snark dispensers would be out of work. There's recession going on!
Bitter? My life tastes like pure quinine right now. Bah.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
You want source material. We got source material. Click-o-Matic.
Countdown to Finals Week: Four days. Last exit before insanity.
1) Silly rabbit, menial, soul-destroying jobs are for illegal immigrants!
2) Find lactating mother, have her put "special" milk for coffee in office fridge.
3) Germaphobe? What did Angela Merkel ever do to you? Seriously, though, wash hands, shut up.
4) "Hey, unhinged bro, are you Dexter in disguise?" Can't end well.If the H1N1 doesn't get you, the nutty ax murderer will!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Two holidays to go, Prudie? You left out Kwanzaa, the pagan Solstice celebration, Festivus...(click link for source material)
But when Eric eats a banana, he gains the strength of twenty BIG men:
On the Down Low: Nice read on Prudie's tendencies. Deflecting "get tested" advice? Great catch!
Cheapskate Christmas: What happens when materialism meets extended recession? Don't touch that dial!
Children That I Know Of: Ahh, Facebook. It'll cause apocalypse in about three years.
Auntie Adolf: Does she also paint postcards in her spare time and dream of joining German army?
Scared Straight: I'm recovering alcoholic. I don't want booze in my house. Not quite the same, but...
One Year of Parental Dumbassity: Repeat after me: "Don't you know there's a recession going on?"
Pregnant Snobby Bitch: Just wait until kid's born. All illusions of yuppie parenthood dissolve in baby tears.
MIL, Not MILF: "Beat it, bitch, or I'm calling cops." She already hates you; you've nothing to lose!
Re: Madison: "Gift of service" is often least appreciated. Just cut the check.
Dumbfuck Knocked Up: Please, abort that kid. Chronic Stupid isn't good parenting trait.
Produce Exchange: Watch Penn&Teller Bullshit! episode "Eat This." Then SHUT. The FUCK. UP.
Nagging Wife: If she insists on being Alice, you be Ralph. Bang, zoom, to the moon!
Brother Politician: Say flat out: "Who's running against you so I can write a check for him?"
Gay man's perspective: I ran it by my gay friend. He said "Ugh. Good way to get AIDS."*
Give the Gift of Grammar: How about "re-gift"? Does that drive you even crazier?
Nagging Wife Replies: He's watching his kids. Prudie's right.
Seth Rogen: Once...for now, and you're still a fucking retard. Abort! Abort!
I Only Eat Local = Pesudo-Intellectual Dimwit: Or Slate writer for "Green Lantern" section.
I want to make bumper sticker: "Organic Food = Genocide" and go to Whole Foods.
*Breaking character here to clarify my gay friend's comment: He said that "it's the closeted ones you have to watch out for. They're not comfortable with their sexuality, they're not 'in' the lifestyle, and their denial makes them take a lot of stupid risks. That's why I only go for guys who are openly 'out'." Hope the Fray doesn't mind me going over 15 words to properly source an item.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Material of sourcings for make happy many readers in Kazakhstan.
The gods told me to snark on Prudie's letter writers:
1) Run, don't walk. This guy's short trip from Palinesque wing nut territory.
2) Working with Steve Urkel in drag must be a trip! Some folks are like that.
3) Vandelay Industries, how may I help you? I say play along for Dad's sake.
4) What Prudie said. Good gods, WHAT PRUDIE SAID. Domestic violence is everyone's business.Listening to Beethoven's Ninth in class---that's something to be thankful for!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Prudie puts the "fun" in dysfunctional with her letter writers here.
I'm elbow deep in something, Prudie, and I don't think it's cranberry sauce...
Thankful for Extortion: I'm glad you said "boyfriend" and not "husband." Still time to dump spineless worm.
Cheapo New Yorker: Seriously, you can't find some room in your budget for Thanksgiving? Look again, cheapskate.
Bully Bro: Either he's gone nuts or something happened to turn him bitter. Therapist could find out.
Estranged Daddy: Sounds like a real champ. If you can't kill him, just pretend he's dead.
Family Cover Redux: His refusal to raise hell speaks volumes about his lacking fitness as mate.
Coworkers: Prudie's kiddy rule is dumb. Invite who you want, fuck everyone else (literally, consolation prize?)
It's Not You, It's You: Ten bucks says hottie is shallow, conceited bitch---which is why he's with you.
Curses, I Already Used the WKRP Joke: You spent $250? Where'd you get turkey, Istanbul? Here we do Thanksgiving cheap!
ID Theft Paranoid: I'm a big fan of the marble trick. Or, if cabinet's deep, bowling balls...
Movie Theater: Slingshot + jawbreakers = justice. Practice your aim at home. Win Oscar for "Best Supporting Theater Patron."
Everyone Hates In-Laws!: Now is time to flip your shit, throw them out, plead temporary (justified) rage later.
Fetal Alcohol: Consider also pleading recent illness, say "doc said avoid hooch for a while, sorry."
Long-Distance Euromance: Confessing feelings will screw with her trip, which she'll resent. Wait 'til she comes home.
Thirtysomething: No wonder you had rough youth---mom's a certified loon! Brother should understand as much.
Stuffing Animal: Umm...wait...what? Right. What Prudie said. I got nothin'.
Buster Olney, Md.: Generosity, kindness, and sacrifice. That's what I call Thanksgiving spirit. Last sanity before Black Friday!
Brother-Out-Law: Schmucks like him ain't even worth the price of a bullet to shoot 'em. Sad.
Green beans and WHAT, now?: I've got two pet rats and THEY wouldn't eat that together...and they'll eat anything!
Surviving Thanksgiving: My survival's easy. Keep family at safe thousands-of-miles distance, enjoy meal in peace.The Safeway girl made fun of our Thanksgiving chicken. Turkey's too much for two!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Source material from the Internet Advice Lady here.
As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly:
1) Note to Mr. Smith: BREAK OFF THE WEDDING! This marriage will NOT end well!
2) Paranoid? No. Sensible, smart, possessing basic sense? Yes (except for feeling need to write Prudie...)
3) While "emotional distance from patients" technically only applies to doctors, it's safer for you too.
4) Tell gun nut uncle to check firearm at door. Otherwise, call cops, report armed lunatic.Does uncle have daughter? He'll bring shotgun to wedding!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Source material? Found on Slate, like always.
From the halls of Montezuma's Revenge to the stalls of Tripoli:
Pervy FIL: Too bad his sons can't extract proper revenge with HIS woman...unless they're Oedipus...
Silicone Parts are Made for Toys: Congratulations Captain Obvious, you've just learned that shallow, hollow vanity sucks! Took you long enough.
Secret Anorexic: Unless the fruit is wax, you're SUPPOSED to eat! Declining insults your host.
Overgrown Teenager: You sure you're not 13? Fuck around, dump her, marry her, who gives a fuck?
His n' Herpes: That ship's already sailed, hasn't it? Tell him. NOW, you filthy, skanky gutter whore!
Mexican Telenovela: Swim Rio Grande, find new, better life picking American strawberries. La migra? No esta problema.
Re: Old Man Huggy Bear: Or you could just pepper-spray him. Hilarity ensues!
Eating, Disordered: Mom always told me "don't take the last..." Do hosts always have one left?
Thanks, but No Thanks: Statute of limitations. Water under the bridge. Old news. Get the point?
Blackberry Black Eye: Before I got married, cell phone was surefire second-date disqualifier. Dump the inattentive slug.
Breaks (Wind) of the Game: Tell Grunthos the Flatulent he's not in an oompah band. Get him some Beano.
Thank You Very Much: I've argued in this space that thank-you notes are outdated. Some disagree.
Starvin' Marvin Hirshberg: Give back as good as you get to those cracker-ass motherfuckers!
Re: Blackberry Obsessed: See? It ain't gonna get better. If this is "he's into you", get out.
Apologist: "Sorry." "About what?" "That thing ages ago." "Eh, 's'alright."
Re: Farting: Or turn to him and say "Gonna blame THAT one on the dog, too?"
STD Farm: But hey, at least he won't get AIDS, sparing us scene from "Rent".
Karma to the In-Laws: If ever there were a time for schadenfreude, this is it! They can bugger off.
Humanity Sucks: Well, actually, Prudie just picks the biggest idiots for public ridicule and humor.
Free range farting: Or douse him in Febreze and perfume.
What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men, you just can't reach.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Source material from the Internet Advice Lady and her football-obsessed husband here.
It's a Lee Family Reunion! Ug, Home, Ghast, Gnar, Fug...they're all here!
1) The Internet is your friend. By the time they see you, they already like you.
2) What are you, a hostage? Hold your own gathering, to hell with in-laws.
3) Time to blow the whistle---you know too much, would now be accomplice to fraud.
4) Random dead guy...or Phillies? Your husband's got his priorities straight.Meeting with academic advisor tomorrow---will I be allowed 24 credits next semester? Stay tuned...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Source material, as always, found at Slate.
Follow the Moskva down to Gorky Park, listenin' to the winds of change...
Bay Area: Say the secret woid and win a hundred dollars. The secret woid? "Freakshow."
Anywhere: Apple doesn't fall far from tree. Sounds like son learned conflict management from Mom.
New York: Admit you slugged yourself, blow up financial district. "His name was Robert Paulson."
Washington: You failed, dumbfuck. Unless you want monogamy with Rosie Palm, get over it.
Arlington: You're doing right thing. Sister deserves to have kids taken from her for stupidity.
To "Anywhere": Or do what I did. Marry in front of two close friends in Nevada.
Ball-A-Mer: Wise? Probably not. Just accept bro married a bitch, send him correspondence for nephews/nieces.
Falls Church: Keep evidence of his fundie asshole-ism. You'll need it for inevitable lawsuit. Gods bless!
Hanson Brothers: How anti-Seinfeldian! "You've got to not see the BAY-BEE!" I like.
Holidaytown (Branson, MO?): What the fuck is wrong with you? Gas up and drive the fucking car.
What about Bob?: That dude's better off leaving toxic family behind. Quoth Bombeck: "Ties that bind...and gag!"
In-Law Outlaw: Say "Listen, you old hag. What part of "severe allergy" don't you understand?"
Friendly Mormon Neighbor: Wife got trust issues much? Privacy matters, even in marriage. Just don't fuck those friends.
East Coast: Yeah, it's a don't call. As in he shouldn't call you---you're a nut.
San Diego: Jokes fail in face of genuine sorrow. All the best to you, and be well.
San Francisco: You, on the other hand...to steal line from Messy, SHADDAP! Nobody gives a fuck.
Facial Hair: Funniest thing I've read all month! Only thing funnier would be bushy Fu Manchu.
Atlanta: And...Prudie gives Fray-worthy response! I love it! No, idiot, there's no "friends" here.
TAPS: Must...resist...urge...fuck it. Is the grieving girl hot? (window seat, please...)
Ft. Wayne: "Full life" in past tense?! Sounds like you should've just shot yourself eight years ago.
Woman on the radio talks about revolution when it's already passed her by...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Source material here.
Chris Hansen says "Have a seat right there, please".
1) Vibrators can't knock you up. They'll still love you in the morning. You go, girl!
2) You want live ammo. He might shoot blanks. You've a right to know before marriage.
3) Some things you can forgive. Attempted homicide? Not on the list. Let it go.
4) Unemployment is HOW HIGH and that slug still has a job? Business people are idiots.
I remain astounded at the empty-headed vapid nature of my fellow business majors.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Gettin' sold secondhand, that's how it goes playin' in a band:
Home Game for the Patriots: Dress up like Frank N. Furter, sing "Sweet Transvestite" at their wedding.
Das Schlafzimmer: Dress up like Trekkie Monster, sing "The Internet is for Porn" before girlfriend gets home.
Redneck Country: Dress up like Sam and Dave, sing "I Thank You" for kids.
Killing Floor, NC: Dress up like Elton John, sing "The Bitch is Back" when Grandma comes over.
Columbus, 1492: Dress up like Lemon Demon, sing "Word Disassociation" for would-be author.
Go Phillies!: Dress up like Britney, sing "Oops, I Did It Again" while fucking his brother.
Dallas: Dress up like Weird Al, sing "One More Minute" for soon-to-be ex.
Horndog: Dress up like Trent Reznor, sing "Closer", feel him from the inside.
Shrinking Violet: Dress up like Scott Weiland, sing "Creep." Half the man I used to be...
Baker's Dozen: Dress up like Spice Girls, sing "If You Wanna Be My Lover" for his friends.
Havoc in Hotlanta: Dress up like Ray Davies, sing "Lola". Walk like a woman, talk like a man.
'Cuse Me While I Kiss the Sky: Dress like Animaniacs, sing "Katie Kaboom" theme ditty for nutty mother-in-law.
Die Hinterland: Dress up like Pink Floyd, sing "The Wall, part 2." Leave them kids alone!
Elder Scrolls V, Please: Dress up like Nirvana, sing "I Hate Myself And Want to Die" for Eeyore boss.
Chicago: Dress up like Bill Haley, sing "See You Later, Alligator" for newly unemployed.
Bethesda Jr.: Dress up like Chili Peppers, sing "Breaking the Girl". Or Rickroll him.
Capital Wasteland: Dress up like Harry Nilsson, sing "All By Myself". Married life kicks ass.
Gettin' had, gettin' took, I tell ya folks, it's harder than it looks.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
You know the drill. You want to know what the hell I'm talking about? Four crazy idiots write to the Internet Advice Lady on Slate.
If he gave you the shirt off his back, pants and underwear would soon follow:
1) Ugh...tickling. Punch him so hard in the nuts his grandkids will feel it someday.
2) 13 years sober here. I don't expect quarter for lost years. Your mom shouldn't either.
3) Home too small? Want gathering? This is why restaurants have banquet rooms. Welcome to adulthood.
4) Nothing says "modern parenting" like denigrating kids' wishes. She says quit it, you QUIT IT.
Did LW4 go to Emily Bazelon Quicker Fucker Upper School of Parenting?
(program note: Like my writing? Look over in the top right corner. Then click and follow.)
Monday, October 26, 2009
My brain is overloading; it has a chocolate coating. (Textbook case for Sigmund Freud!)
Tampa Bay, 0-7: That's not a wife. It's a roommate and fuck buddy. Ditch your wedding plans.
Dallas: Is father-in-law on sex offender registry? No? Then where's the problem?
Foot Lauderdale: Buy flimsy furniture, set up camera. Gods, I love YouTube!
Detroit: Turnabout is fair play. Text beau's dad back with photos of you fucking his son.
Houston: What a guy. Send him happy photos of you and half-sister, twist that knife!
V for (Childish) Vendetta: Normally I'd say "childish freakout", but hubby sounds like he's hiding something. Like mistress.
Fairfax: "No problem" belongs on same pile as "You need to..." Modern American barbarism, methinks.
Seattle: One thing to make lout sleep on couch; quite another to say "nice fuck, bye."
Washington: Twist knife: "Your son was dumb luck. I wouldn't trust you to mommy a rat."
Austin: For jealous rage, Old Testament God has nothing on religious zealots!
Toronto: Say "Looks like she traded one cancer for another. Your charity's malignant, eh?"
Chicago: Apparently your "success" doesn't include family values. Boyfriend should ditch you, find better future mom.
Washington: I call this "gender equity." I've gained two pounds in five years married. Nag hubby!
Nor'Easter: He's a dick. Better not to keep company with such dishonest sleaze.
No prob, dude: Or give it an ethnic flavor: "De nada."
Rhode Island Red: Theory, schmoery. People say what they picked up along the way.
King Jeremy the Wicked ruled his world...Jeremy spoke in class today.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Want source material so you can follow along? Slate, October 22.
Ultra Hyper Fighting Championship Edition IV Alpha Happy Yum Yum Wow:
1. If it were any other girl, you'd think "he's fucking her." And rightly so. Creepy!
2. Lecherous guests hit on you. You show them painting. Say "no real thing, sorry."
3. He's dead to you, may as well be dead to her. Sounds fair, you slut.
4. Tell security. Film response. Put it on YouTube. Send me the link. Comedy gold!Midterms? Done. Grades? 3.9. Me: Kool-Aid Man. "Oh yeah!"
(as an aside, #3 is causing a monumental shitstorm. Apparently "good writers" aren't allowed the occasional challenge to themselves to see who they can offend.)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Na na na, gonna have a good time (hey hey hey!)
1) Who gives a flying crap who you fucked? No STD? No problem!
2) Chris Rock: "If your kid calls his grandma mama and mom Pam, that ain't right!"
3) Dad really traded down, didn't he? Lesson to boys: Don't marry dumb sluts.
4) $140? What's a Glock and a bullet cost for Bridezilla's just deserts?Four-thousand word midterm yesterday. Sixty-word column today. Phew.
- 15 word limit on the intro.
- 15 word limit to reply to each of Prudie's letter writers/chat room questioners
- 15 word limit for an outro/ending/conclusion.
OK. Enough intro. You want to know more about me, find it at http://cpabyforty.blogspot.com or follow monsterdog5 on Twitter.