Thursday, December 31, 2009
These days I'm wakin' up at 1300. So you get to wait:
1) "She doesn't think I'll be happy there." Manipulative sabotage much? Screw the bitch.
2) I lost my dad at nine. Defused awkward sympathy moments with sick jokes. Try it!
3) Gift horse + mouth = avert your fucking eyes. You don't have monopoly on caring!
4) No wonder you're single! Likely no man can stand your single-mom bitch whining. Slut.
Prudie theory holds "referential humor works best." Does it work for shitstorms?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Santa: When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight...on Christmas.
1) Tell her, "Only one who can do that is Santa. You still believe, baby-brain?"
2) Man-hating Prudie strikes again. What denomination, "Church of Seventh Commandment Heresy"? Not OK!
3) Send card back: "Our Christmas Wish is for Rogue Teabaggers in Malebolge."
4) Only thing better would be bomb-in-a-box. What a shrew.
Only 366 more days until Christmas 2010. Let the shopping season begin!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
(and besides, I love the Thursday column because I can dash it off in fifteen minutes since it's basically 60 words' worth of shooting from the hip. The Monday stuff, on the other hand, takes quite a bit of work, and time is money.)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney, better load your gun and shoot to kill:
1) Like Prudie said; Third World conditions are not First World parental aspirations! Eat shit, freaks.
2) Moral of the story: Blood thicker than water, but who wants shower of blood?
3) He thinks he's a Tiger; fact is, he's just a lowdown snake. Find better friends.
4) This will not end well, no matter how enlightened you are. Religion will torpedo parenting.
Enough with the Tiger Woods jokes already, Prudie. They're SO last week.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I like this column. It has a high strength-to-weight ratio:
Christmas Surprise: Might want to send 'em "save the date" reminder around, oh, January 1 or so.
Midnight Cinderella: Give your guy this one---he's one up on most dudes! Count your blessings.
Dead Dog Walking: What an insensitive shrew! You've got one Christmas left with Pooch. Make most of it.
News Boy: Seventy-five bucks, Prudie? Where were you when I was kid delivering paper?!
Wicked StepMother: I'm with Prudie. If I had kids, new wife better love them as her own.
Tipping: There goes that stereotype---a Jewish woman admonishing a cheapskate? Oy vey!
Holiday Knocked Up: I love your idea. Cute, loving, reminds him why he loves you. Congratulations!
re: Tipping: Big difference between "don't have the money" and "too fucking cheap to share a buck."
Sexual Harassment Santa: What, and deny pervy guys chance for cheap thrill? I say no harm, no foul.
Cinderella Revisited: You planning to stay with this guy? Send "don't tread on me" signal. SOON.
Post-Death Pet: Interesting third option. Really no right answer, though. Dying pets suck.
Molester Stepdad: Here's an idea for what to put in stepdad's gift box: C4, detonator, trigger switch.
Broke in Baltimore: Where's Pogue Mahone when you need him? Give gift of kinky, wild sex!
Put a Tiger In Your Tank: Three girls, one cup, eh? Give him divorce notice for Christmas.
Rotation of Hosting: Jane, you ignorant slut. Just stop it already.
Drunk in Cincy: Fuck, in my alkie family even the toddlers get beer. Worry yourself not.
Tipper of Menlo Park: Send kid a note: "No money for you, and I've told your supervisor." No respect...
Christmas Hideout: This is what white lies were made for: Tell in-laws you've got plans!
The Thought That Counts: Amen. Love gets more valuable the more freely it is given. (Economists just facepalmed!)
Oh Wolfie, oh wolfie, ain't we got fun?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Yes Virginia, now Santa's doin' time/In a federal prison for his infamous crime:
1) As long as there are children who believe, Santa Claus will always be real.
2) Nothing says "protection racket" quite like Christmas at the office, eh?
3) I'm like your husband; I get a lot of Best Buy gift cards. Satisfaction guaranteed!
4) Someone convince me that the Abrahamic god isn't evil. 'Cause I'm not buyin' it.
Who wants to form posse, hunt down LW1's baby daddy, dispense frontier justice?
Monday, December 7, 2009
My marriage looks like the Japanese bombed it. Divorce City. I'm angry. Beware, folks.
Vegan Alternative: Whoopee. A PeTA-sucker B12-deprived weenie. Family should boycott you.
Ravens Roadie: Bros before hos. My bro would be my first choice for Pats roadie too.
Gretzky Has The Ball: Silly woman, sports are for boys! Yoffe's a stereotype man-hater.
Divorce Mess: Or, if you're my wife, because a decent, strong, loving man ain't good enough.
Free-Gifting: If I drew "sew", it'd give new meaning to "held together by a thread".
Gimme a Break (Room): Unemployment is HOW high? Shut your face and get back to work.
Army Wife: Give the guy a break. He could get blown up tomorrow. Let him be generous!
Vegan Alternative: At my place, you want a vegan alternative, eat parsley sprig on the steak.
"The Other Woman": If he's that unhappy, he's still off-limits until he (or she) ditches. Keep clear.
Road to Hell: Sister's a bitch. You did good, now tell others "I only help DECENT people."
Vegan Whiner: What Prudie said. Now is not time for uptight moralizing (keep Christ in Christmas? Humbug!)
"Birthday Weekend": What, you've never used bday as excuse for enjoying multiple days? Poor sucker.
Dealing with Old Enemies: Brilliant! The "best man" sure lived up to his name! Bravo!
Blessed Be: Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm a pagan and I just think of MY gods.
HS Drama Queen: Here's the difference; they have lives. You're still seventeen at heart. Grow up.
No libido: I'll bring the Astroglide for your therapy. Let's play.
Adults...in America? Unpossible!: Like Prudie said. Snark dispensers would be out of work. There's recession going on!
Bitter? My life tastes like pure quinine right now. Bah.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
You want source material. We got source material. Click-o-Matic.
Countdown to Finals Week: Four days. Last exit before insanity.
1) Silly rabbit, menial, soul-destroying jobs are for illegal immigrants!
2) Find lactating mother, have her put "special" milk for coffee in office fridge.
3) Germaphobe? What did Angela Merkel ever do to you? Seriously, though, wash hands, shut up.
4) "Hey, unhinged bro, are you Dexter in disguise?" Can't end well.If the H1N1 doesn't get you, the nutty ax murderer will!