Source material, as always, found at Slate.
Follow the Moskva down to Gorky Park, listenin' to the winds of change...
Bay Area: Say the secret woid and win a hundred dollars. The secret woid? "Freakshow."
Anywhere: Apple doesn't fall far from tree. Sounds like son learned conflict management from Mom.
New York: Admit you slugged yourself, blow up financial district. "His name was Robert Paulson."
Washington: You failed, dumbfuck. Unless you want monogamy with Rosie Palm, get over it.
Arlington: You're doing right thing. Sister deserves to have kids taken from her for stupidity.
To "Anywhere": Or do what I did. Marry in front of two close friends in Nevada.
Ball-A-Mer: Wise? Probably not. Just accept bro married a bitch, send him correspondence for nephews/nieces.
Falls Church: Keep evidence of his fundie asshole-ism. You'll need it for inevitable lawsuit. Gods bless!
Hanson Brothers: How anti-Seinfeldian! "You've got to not see the BAY-BEE!" I like.
Holidaytown (Branson, MO?): What the fuck is wrong with you? Gas up and drive the fucking car.
What about Bob?: That dude's better off leaving toxic family behind. Quoth Bombeck: "Ties that bind...and gag!"
In-Law Outlaw: Say "Listen, you old hag. What part of "severe allergy" don't you understand?"
Friendly Mormon Neighbor: Wife got trust issues much? Privacy matters, even in marriage. Just don't fuck those friends.
East Coast: Yeah, it's a don't call. As in he shouldn't call you---you're a nut.
San Diego: Jokes fail in face of genuine sorrow. All the best to you, and be well.
San Francisco: You, on the other hand...to steal line from Messy, SHADDAP! Nobody gives a fuck.
Facial Hair: Funniest thing I've read all month! Only thing funnier would be bushy Fu Manchu.
Atlanta: And...Prudie gives Fray-worthy response! I love it! No, idiot, there's no "friends" here.
TAPS: Must...resist...urge...fuck it. Is the grieving girl hot? (window seat, please...)
Ft. Wayne: "Full life" in past tense?! Sounds like you should've just shot yourself eight years ago.
Woman on the radio talks about revolution when it's already passed her by...