Source material as always is here.
My marriage looks like the Japanese bombed it. Divorce City. I'm angry. Beware, folks.
Vegan Alternative: Whoopee. A PeTA-sucker B12-deprived weenie. Family should boycott you.
Ravens Roadie: Bros before hos. My bro would be my first choice for Pats roadie too.
Gretzky Has The Ball: Silly woman, sports are for boys! Yoffe's a stereotype man-hater.
Divorce Mess: Or, if you're my wife, because a decent, strong, loving man ain't good enough.
Free-Gifting: If I drew "sew", it'd give new meaning to "held together by a thread".
Gimme a Break (Room): Unemployment is HOW high? Shut your face and get back to work.
Army Wife: Give the guy a break. He could get blown up tomorrow. Let him be generous!
Vegan Alternative: At my place, you want a vegan alternative, eat parsley sprig on the steak.
"The Other Woman": If he's that unhappy, he's still off-limits until he (or she) ditches. Keep clear.
Road to Hell: Sister's a bitch. You did good, now tell others "I only help DECENT people."
Vegan Whiner: What Prudie said. Now is not time for uptight moralizing (keep Christ in Christmas? Humbug!)
"Birthday Weekend": What, you've never used bday as excuse for enjoying multiple days? Poor sucker.
Dealing with Old Enemies: Brilliant! The "best man" sure lived up to his name! Bravo!
Blessed Be: Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm a pagan and I just think of MY gods.
HS Drama Queen: Here's the difference; they have lives. You're still seventeen at heart. Grow up.
No libido: I'll bring the Astroglide for your therapy. Let's play.
Adults...in America? Unpossible!: Like Prudie said. Snark dispensers would be out of work. There's recession going on!
Bitter? My life tastes like pure quinine right now. Bah.