Now exclusive to Blogger. Source material from Slate.
1) Allah is punishing you. Blow yourself up, preferably outside a populated area.
2) You are a sharp one. Engagement expectations reveal woman's character. Dump her. NOW.
3) You're not good enough. Don't like taking shit from me? Good. See pattern developing.
4) Repeat after me: "Eat it, suckers!" Then send resume to Variety!
Spring Break! Woohoo! Time to get...cold sober and caught up on work. Crap.