TL;DR Prudence (3/11): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Now exclusive to Blogger.  Source material from Slate.

1) Allah is punishing you.  Blow yourself up, preferably outside a populated area.

2) You are a sharp one.  Engagement expectations reveal woman's character.  Dump her.  NOW.

3) You're not good enough.  Don't like taking shit from me?  Good.  See pattern developing.

4) Repeat after me: "Eat it, suckers!" Then send resume to Variety!

Spring Break!  Woohoo!  Time to get...cold sober and caught up on work.  Crap.

Program Note: Slate Fray Found Murdered in Ditch

Good old King Jeremy the Wicked at Slate insisted that the Fray could live parallel to their new JSKit easily moderated, transparent, public, discussion-killing comments thingy on their articles.

Well, TL;DR has seen its weekly pageviews fall by more than half.  Either everyone is sick of this feature and left it in droves or, more likely, nobody realizes the Fray exists anymore because the only proof of its existence is a teensy-weensy Brazilian bikini-sized link next to the giant buttons leading to the JSKit comments section.  Doesn't take Occam to figure this one out.

The upshot?  The Fly will now be the exclusive carrier of TL;DR Prudence.  I see no purpose in posting on Slate anymore when the only people who are going to read it there are probably the same people who already read it here.

Fuck you, Jeremy.

TL;DR Prudence (2/25): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Oh boy oh boy!  Source material from the Internet Advice Lady!  Find it here.

Buy a condom and you'll learn, no deposit, no return:
1) Latex fetish augurs well for kid developing safe sex habits. I say encourage him.
2) Talk to boss as boss and friend as friend, else lose friendship.
3) Boston terrier? I'd be too tempted to say to dog, "bahk bahk ahf ahf."
4) Y'know what makes for awkward party? Extreme introvert forced into social situation. I sympathize.
Paraphilia? Is that when pedophiles jump out of airplanes?

TL;DR Prudence (2/18): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Slate's doing its best to kill the Fray.  The show, however, must go on.  Source material is here.

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked:

1) Need a hint? Starts with an F, ends with an "off". Now buck up.

2) Buy trophy from local award shop. Use it as conversation piece. Yay midlife crisis!

3) "Kids, see how stupid Daddy looks? Think twice before visiting tattoo parlor!"

4) You saved her the random sexual fantasies of legions. That makes you hero.

This week's column brought to you by Llama-Fresh Farms, near Paraguay.

TL;DR Prudence (2/4): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material from the Internet Advice Lady here.

Because F-bombs shouldn't be dropped on civilian targets:

1) Really? Not cheating, just brother's old fuck? I'll steal Messy's line. SHADDAP! You sniveling worm.

2) Are they having a sale on bones at Closet Mart? Go fuck LW1.

3) He's better man than I just for not having killed himself. I pray for him.

4) Fuck yeah, he should speak up! Idiot manager DESERVES to be fired!

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mystery Ship Radio.

(and yes, I know I missed last week's blog post.  So sue me.)

TL;DR Prudence (1/21): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

It's Thursday.  You know what that means?  That's right---the only day of the week where something reliably interesting is on Slate.  Get your weekly dose of source material from Prudie here.

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant:

1) You know what this tells your husband? "My wife is a doormat." Expect more cheating.

2) What is she cooking? Chicken tartare? She needs food safety class.

3) Forgive me for being crude but was he drunk? Lucky he only killed himself.

4) Keep cans of SPAM around. Give one to each offender, say "now we're even, Madoff."

Become a Prudie affiliate! Make money at home! Lose your friends! Lose your self-respect!

TL;DR Prudence (1/14): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material at Slate, just like always.

New name, same great taste:

1) Cheating? Not unless you fuck 'em. Enjoy the free show!

2) Said Franklin: "Three can keep a secret if two are dead." Keep it zipped, chatterbox.

3) This is safe territory for "it goes or I go" ultimatum. What were you thinking?!

4) Until you said you were married, I would've said "career opportunities..." Now? Ignore creep.

News going up on cpabyforty.blogspot.com later today about the "radio" part. Stay tuned.

TL;DR Prudence (1/7): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

It's at Slate.  You know the drill by now.

Year Two of the Great Brevity Experiment Begins...Now.

1) Gives new meaning to "C'mon, boy, get a hold of yourself!"

2) Channel your inner Jeff Ross. Roast the old coot over the coals.

3) Unless first teacher is teaching "I Wanna Learn a Love Song", just switch already!

4) You might have valid point. Free for dinner? No, wait...I don't date nitpicky shrews.

Oh, if only I could write LW2's eulogy speech...

TL;DR Prudence (12/31): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material from the Internet Advice Lady here.

These days I'm wakin' up at 1300. So you get to wait:

1) "She doesn't think I'll be happy there." Manipulative sabotage much? Screw the bitch.

2) I lost my dad at nine. Defused awkward sympathy moments with sick jokes. Try it!

3) Gift horse + mouth = avert your fucking eyes. You don't have monopoly on caring!

4) No wonder you're single! Likely no man can stand your single-mom bitch whining. Slut.

Prudie theory holds "referential humor works best." Does it work for shitstorms?

TL;DR Prudence (12/24): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material courtesy of Slate's Dear Prudence here.

Santa: When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight...on Christmas.

1) Tell her, "Only one who can do that is Santa. You still believe, baby-brain?"

2) Man-hating Prudie strikes again. What denomination, "Church of Seventh Commandment Heresy"? Not OK!

3) Send card back: "Our Christmas Wish is for Rogue Teabaggers in Malebolge."

4) Only thing better would be bomb-in-a-box. What a shrew.

Only 366 more days until Christmas 2010. Let the shopping season begin!

Program note: TL;DR Live! no longer available.

Due to circumstances dictating a whole heap of "otherwise" upon the proceedings, TL;DR Prudence will be limited to the standard Thursday edition hereforth.  During winter break I'm trying to teach myself an entire math course so I can test into Calculus next semester...and since whatever math class I take will keep me on campus until almost 5 in the afternoon (and will have a buttload of homework besides), it doesn't make sense for me to spend the extra time trying to write on top of that.

(and besides, I love the Thursday column because I can dash it off in fifteen minutes since it's basically 60 words' worth of shooting from the hip.  The Monday stuff, on the other hand, takes quite a bit of work, and time is money.)

TL;DR Prudence (12/17): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material?  You bet your ass.

But if someone's climbin' down your chimney, better load your gun and shoot to kill:

1) Like Prudie said; Third World conditions are not First World parental aspirations! Eat shit, freaks.

2) Moral of the story: Blood thicker than water, but who wants shower of blood?

3) He thinks he's a Tiger; fact is, he's just a lowdown snake. Find better friends.

4) This will not end well, no matter how enlightened you are. Religion will torpedo parenting.

Enough with the Tiger Woods jokes already, Prudie. They're SO last week.

TL;DR Live! (12/14): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material, as always, at Slate.

I like this column. It has a high strength-to-weight ratio:

Christmas Surprise: Might want to send 'em "save the date" reminder around, oh, January 1 or so.

Midnight Cinderella: Give your guy this one---he's one up on most dudes! Count your blessings.

Dead Dog Walking: What an insensitive shrew! You've got one Christmas left with Pooch. Make most of it.

News Boy: Seventy-five bucks, Prudie? Where were you when I was kid delivering paper?!

Wicked StepMother: I'm with Prudie. If I had kids, new wife better love them as her own.

Tipping: There goes that stereotype---a Jewish woman admonishing a cheapskate? Oy vey!

Holiday Knocked Up: I love your idea. Cute, loving, reminds him why he loves you. Congratulations!

re: Tipping: Big difference between "don't have the money" and "too fucking cheap to share a buck."

Sexual Harassment Santa: What, and deny pervy guys chance for cheap thrill? I say no harm, no foul.

Cinderella Revisited: You planning to stay with this guy? Send "don't tread on me" signal. SOON.

Post-Death Pet: Interesting third option. Really no right answer, though. Dying pets suck.

Molester Stepdad: Here's an idea for what to put in stepdad's gift box: C4, detonator, trigger switch.

Broke in Baltimore: Where's Pogue Mahone when you need him? Give gift of kinky, wild sex!

Put a Tiger In Your Tank: Three girls, one cup, eh? Give him divorce notice for Christmas.

Rotation of Hosting: Jane, you ignorant slut. Just stop it already.

Drunk in Cincy: Fuck, in my alkie family even the toddlers get beer. Worry yourself not.

Tipper of Menlo Park: Send kid a note: "No money for you, and I've told your supervisor." No respect...

Christmas Hideout: This is what white lies were made for: Tell in-laws you've got plans!

The Thought That Counts: Amen. Love gets more valuable the more freely it is given. (Economists just facepalmed!)

Oh Wolfie, oh wolfie, ain't we got fun?

TL;DR Prudence (12/10): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material on Slate, and my personal favorite take on science vs. childhood wonderment on the Straight Dope.

Yes Virginia, now Santa's doin' time/In a federal prison for his infamous crime:

1) As long as there are children who believe, Santa Claus will always be real.

2) Nothing says "protection racket" quite like Christmas at the office, eh?

3) I'm like your husband; I get a lot of Best Buy gift cards. Satisfaction guaranteed!

4) Someone convince me that the Abrahamic god isn't evil. 'Cause I'm not buyin' it.

Who wants to form posse, hunt down LW1's baby daddy, dispense frontier justice?

TL;DR Live! (12/7): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material as always is here.

My marriage looks like the Japanese bombed it. Divorce City. I'm angry. Beware, folks.

Vegan Alternative: Whoopee. A PeTA-sucker B12-deprived weenie. Family should boycott you.

Ravens Roadie: Bros before hos. My bro would be my first choice for Pats roadie too.

Gretzky Has The Ball: Silly woman, sports are for boys! Yoffe's a stereotype man-hater.

Divorce Mess: Or, if you're my wife, because a decent, strong, loving man ain't good enough.

Free-Gifting: If I drew "sew", it'd give new meaning to "held together by a thread".

Gimme a Break (Room): Unemployment is HOW high? Shut your face and get back to work.

Army Wife: Give the guy a break. He could get blown up tomorrow. Let him be generous!

Vegan Alternative: At my place, you want a vegan alternative, eat parsley sprig on the steak.

"The Other Woman": If he's that unhappy, he's still off-limits until he (or she) ditches. Keep clear.

Road to Hell: Sister's a bitch. You did good, now tell others "I only help DECENT people."

Vegan Whiner: What Prudie said. Now is not time for uptight moralizing (keep Christ in Christmas? Humbug!)

"Birthday Weekend": What, you've never used bday as excuse for enjoying multiple days? Poor sucker.

Dealing with Old Enemies: Brilliant! The "best man" sure lived up to his name! Bravo!

Blessed Be: Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm a pagan and I just think of MY gods.

HS Drama Queen: Here's the difference; they have lives. You're still seventeen at heart. Grow up.

No libido: I'll bring the Astroglide for your therapy. Let's play.

Adults...in America? Unpossible!: Like Prudie said. Snark dispensers would be out of work. There's recession going on!

Bitter? My life tastes like pure quinine right now. Bah.

TL;DR Prudence (12/3): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

You want source material. We got source material. Click-o-Matic.

Countdown to Finals Week: Four days. Last exit before insanity.

1) Silly rabbit, menial, soul-destroying jobs are for illegal immigrants!

2) Find lactating mother, have her put "special" milk for coffee in office fridge.

3) Germaphobe? What did Angela Merkel ever do to you? Seriously, though, wash hands, shut up.

4) "Hey, unhinged bro, are you Dexter in disguise?" Can't end well.

If the H1N1 doesn't get you, the nutty ax murderer will!

TL;DR Live! (11/30): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Two holidays to go, Prudie? You left out Kwanzaa, the pagan Solstice celebration, Festivus...(click link for source material)

But when Eric eats a banana, he gains the strength of twenty BIG men:

On the Down Low: Nice read on Prudie's tendencies. Deflecting "get tested" advice? Great catch!

Cheapskate Christmas: What happens when materialism meets extended recession? Don't touch that dial!

Children That I Know Of: Ahh, Facebook. It'll cause apocalypse in about three years.

Auntie Adolf: Does she also paint postcards in her spare time and dream of joining German army?

Scared Straight: I'm recovering alcoholic. I don't want booze in my house. Not quite the same, but...

One Year of Parental Dumbassity: Repeat after me: "Don't you know there's a recession going on?"

Pregnant Snobby Bitch: Just wait until kid's born. All illusions of yuppie parenthood dissolve in baby tears.

MIL, Not MILF: "Beat it, bitch, or I'm calling cops." She already hates you; you've nothing to lose!

Re: Madison: "Gift of service" is often least appreciated. Just cut the check.

Dumbfuck Knocked Up: Please, abort that kid. Chronic Stupid isn't good parenting trait.

Produce Exchange: Watch Penn&Teller Bullshit! episode "Eat This." Then SHUT. The FUCK. UP.

Nagging Wife: If she insists on being Alice, you be Ralph. Bang, zoom, to the moon!

Brother Politician: Say flat out: "Who's running against you so I can write a check for him?"

Gay man's perspective: I ran it by my gay friend. He said "Ugh. Good way to get AIDS."*

Give the Gift of Grammar: How about "re-gift"? Does that drive you even crazier?

Nagging Wife Replies: He's watching his kids. Prudie's right.

Seth Rogen: Once...for now, and you're still a fucking retard. Abort! Abort!

I Only Eat Local = Pesudo-Intellectual Dimwit: Or Slate writer for "Green Lantern" section.

I want to make bumper sticker: "Organic Food = Genocide" and go to Whole Foods.

*Breaking character here to clarify my gay friend's comment: He said that "it's the closeted ones you have to watch out for. They're not comfortable with their sexuality, they're not 'in' the lifestyle, and their denial makes them take a lot of stupid risks. That's why I only go for guys who are openly 'out'." Hope the Fray doesn't mind me going over 15 words to properly source an item.

TL;DR Prudence (11/25): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Material of sourcings for make happy many readers in Kazakhstan.

The gods told me to snark on Prudie's letter writers:

1) Run, don't walk. This guy's short trip from Palinesque wing nut territory.

2) Working with Steve Urkel in drag must be a trip! Some folks are like that.

3) Vandelay Industries, how may I help you? I say play along for Dad's sake.

4) What Prudie said. Good gods, WHAT PRUDIE SAID. Domestic violence is everyone's business.

Listening to Beethoven's Ninth in class---that's something to be thankful for!

TL;DR Live! (11/23): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Prudie puts the "fun" in dysfunctional with her letter writers here.

I'm elbow deep in something, Prudie, and I don't think it's cranberry sauce...

Thankful for Extortion: I'm glad you said "boyfriend" and not "husband." Still time to dump spineless worm.

Cheapo New Yorker: Seriously, you can't find some room in your budget for Thanksgiving? Look again, cheapskate.

Bully Bro: Either he's gone nuts or something happened to turn him bitter. Therapist could find out.

Estranged Daddy: Sounds like a real champ. If you can't kill him, just pretend he's dead.

Family Cover Redux: His refusal to raise hell speaks volumes about his lacking fitness as mate.

Coworkers: Prudie's kiddy rule is dumb. Invite who you want, fuck everyone else (literally, consolation prize?)

It's Not You, It's You: Ten bucks says hottie is shallow, conceited bitch---which is why he's with you.

Curses, I Already Used the WKRP Joke: You spent $250? Where'd you get turkey, Istanbul? Here we do Thanksgiving cheap!

ID Theft Paranoid: I'm a big fan of the marble trick. Or, if cabinet's deep, bowling balls...

Movie Theater: Slingshot + jawbreakers = justice. Practice your aim at home. Win Oscar for "Best Supporting Theater Patron."

Everyone Hates In-Laws!: Now is time to flip your shit, throw them out, plead temporary (justified) rage later.

Fetal Alcohol: Consider also pleading recent illness, say "doc said avoid hooch for a while, sorry."

Long-Distance Euromance: Confessing feelings will screw with her trip, which she'll resent. Wait 'til she comes home.

Thirtysomething: No wonder you had rough youth---mom's a certified loon! Brother should understand as much.

Stuffing Animal: Umm...wait...what? Right. What Prudie said. I got nothin'.

Buster Olney, Md.: Generosity, kindness, and sacrifice. That's what I call Thanksgiving spirit. Last sanity before Black Friday!

Brother-Out-Law: Schmucks like him ain't even worth the price of a bullet to shoot 'em. Sad.

Green beans and WHAT, now?: I've got two pet rats and THEY wouldn't eat that together...and they'll eat anything!

Surviving Thanksgiving: My survival's easy. Keep family at safe thousands-of-miles distance, enjoy meal in peace.

The Safeway girl made fun of our Thanksgiving chicken. Turkey's too much for two!

TL;DR Prudence (11/19): Answers in 15 words or fewer.

Source material from the Internet Advice Lady here.

As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly:

1) Note to Mr. Smith: BREAK OFF THE WEDDING! This marriage will NOT end well!

2) Paranoid? No. Sensible, smart, possessing basic sense? Yes (except for feeling need to write Prudie...)

3) While "emotional distance from patients" technically only applies to doctors, it's safer for you too.

4) Tell gun nut uncle to check firearm at door. Otherwise, call cops, report armed lunatic.

Does uncle have daughter? He'll bring shotgun to wedding!